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A SMALL FRY WITH A BIG EYE

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- WHO I AM // 20 QUESTIONS
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For more of my everyday adventures, give me a follow on Instagram @meganjaneburgess

Racking my brain for clever quotes about gin, but somehow all I can come up with are Fall Out Boy song titles. Maybe that's weird, or maybe it's appropriate. Regardless - of all the gin joints in all the world...this one was without a doubt utterly delicious, and handsomely decorated.

"How lovely the silence of growing things."

U2 | The Joshua Tree Tour | Levi's Stadium, San Fransisco | 5.17.17

"I hope you felt the fireworks. I hope you saw the wonder when skies filled up with color. And in the moment, I hope you were reminded that it’s possible, that beauty still happens. We don’t only live in books awake and dreams asleep. We are living our stories you and I, with dreams inside us undeniable, love to give, and people to walk with." // If You Feel Too Much, @jamietworkowski

"It is not the light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake." // Frederick Douglass

"It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever lives much performs much, and can accomplish much and what is done in love, is well done." // Vincent Van Gogh

"Music can change the world because it can change people." // Bono | The Joshua Tree Tour | 5.17.17

The Rocket Summer | Do You Feel 10 Year Anniversary Tour | The Holding Company, San Diego | 8.27.17

"Perhaps you have to have a little bit of hope to believe that beauty can be found, to believe that life does come back, that something can surprise you. And maybe they’re somehow related. Maybe wonder feeds hope and hope feeds wonder. You see something beautiful and it reminds you that it’s possible to see something beautiful." // @jamietworkowski

It's been a while. Posting something for the first time in three months feels like running into someone you haven't seen for a while. There's a feeling of familiarity, but nervousness as you're not quite sure what to say. I feel that. If you know me, posting is something I love, and consider to be therapeutic. But I've realized the last months have left me with a lot less words. Probably because all the advice and encouragement I wrote about were things I've chosen to blatantly look past and ignore. So this is me, admitting it: I've lived in my head. I've let pain overwhelm me and build thick walls around my heart. I've let doubt and fear reinforce lies that I am at fault, I'm worthless, and unloveable. I've tried to swallow feelings and pretend everything's fine, or that anxiety and uncontrollable sobbing is normal. I've gone days without checking my phone, leaving "How are you doing?" messages unanswered. I've made myself feel too much, and simultaneously nothing at all. I've given myself little to no grace as I've sat staring at the wound heartbreak so unwelcome-ly left. I let the ghosts in my mind and the loneliness win. I'm not proud of it. I don't recommend it. But that's the path I let myself wander down. It's hard to retrace your steps back to what feels normal after brokenness and betrayal. "What if" questions are all-consuming, and taunt you with every variation of a situation; past, present, or future. The last 6 months have felt like blip and an eternity. I probably won't post at the level I used to, but I figure it's time. Time to slowly find a path back to myself. Back to some sliver of normalcy. Back to an honest happiness. To peace. I am not saying the pain is gone, because it's not. Yesterday reminded me of that. I'm not sure when it will ever subside, but I am praying as time continues forward, it will fade. I'm not sure if the path you're on today is dark or light, but I'm writing to tell myself that there's room on dark paths for people to walk alongside of us. There are people who will stand alongside of you, Meg. People who will fight for you when you can't. You are enough. You still matter. Your pain is not meant to be dealt with alone.

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